The years continue to pass by and yet I still find myself asking the same questions over and over. Why did this happen to my baby? Did I make the wrong choice? Was it my choice to make? Why did I have a sonogram in the first place? So many questions and so much emotion have filled my mind since October of 2002…….

We were thrilled in the spring of 2002 to find out that we were pregnant with our second child. I survived the brutal morning sickness that plagues me the first four months of pregnancy and began to enjoy the new promise of life inside of me. In late August, my doctor informed me of possible tests that I could take to detect various birth defects that I quickly refused and said, “I don’t need to know if something is wrong. It would only worry me and I would never end a pregnancy, no matter what. This is my baby.” Wow, those words haunted me in the months to come. They still do.

In September, I was scheduled for a routine sonogram. I hadn’t considered this a diagnostic test in the past. I was just excited to find out if our son would have a brother or a sister. As my husband and I waited to be called in for the sonogram I said, “This day will change our lives forever”. I was so right about that. Within moments of the sonogram being started, we could tell that something was wrong. The technician turned pale and would not speak. She kept measuring things over and over. Then, the words that still ring in our ears, “We have a problem”. “What kind of problem?” my husband asked. She responded that there were some anomalies in the brain and spine. We were shocked and stood in silence and the technician called in a specialist. He confirmed a multitude of problems and also confirmed that we had a daughter. We went directly to meet with a genetic counselor and called our parents. We were crying so hard that we could barely communicate with them.

Those first few days were filled with sobbing that comes from the deepest part within one’s body. Sometimes all that I could do was sit in the shower and wail, letting the hot water run over my pregnant body. We searched for answers, second opinions, options, and resources. And of course, we prayed. We prayed for guidance and strength. Our minds were clouded with grief and disbelief. We were given two options; continue the pregnancy or induce labor and deliver our baby before she was old enough to survive. We had a short period of time to make that decision, because we were almost 22 weeks into the pregnancy. We decided that we would end the pregnancy. We felt that we were releasing her from the pain, that she would suffer through if she lived, directly into Jesus’ loving arms. The decision was emotionally devastating and final. Labor was induced and Logan Trinity was born on October 4, 2002. We held and loved her tiny body for hours and had a minister bless her. It was so unreal, so raw. It still hurts so badly.

I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a cousin, a niece, a neighbor, and I am the face of a late term abortion. That is so very difficult for me to say. In fact, I do not recall a time when I have been able to say that out loud. It has been years since that dark time in my life and yet the grief and the questions flood into my mind often. I will never be the same. One thing that I have felt confident in from the beginning is that God can see inside of my heart. He was there with me during this dark time. He could see the love in my heart for my child and he wept with me. God has created more compassion and empathy in me out of this darkness and has drawn me closer to Him. I am weaker and stronger at the same time and I have faith that God will use me in a way that will bring glory to Him.
-Ashley Kutach