Even after having two beautiful daughters, I had an overwhelming sense that our family wasn’t complete. I knew there was another child for our family. I found out I was pregnant in February 2003 and was so excited to grow our family again. I remember noticing that I didn’t have any pregnancy “symptoms” but figured it was going to be an easy pregnancy. I was away at my in-laws when the bleeding began. I was eight weeks pregnant and knew I was miscarrying. I was heartbroken. I remember sitting up all night on the bathroom floor just devasted and crying to God. As hard as it was, the healing began. Just four weeks after my miscarriage, we conceived again (sooner than we should have).
I was cautiously optomistic. Surely it wouldn’t happen to me again. At my first check-up, the ultrasound looked great – strong heartbeat and everything. I began to relax. Another ultrasound looked completely normal, and we could see and hear a strong heartbeat. My next visit, at 14 weeks, the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. I remember him saying that he would do an ultrasound just to give me peace but I knew.
I looked at my baby on screen. She was completely lifeless. Needless to say, I fell apart. How? Why? What’s wrong with me? My husband Bill, began to pray. I didn’t want to pray at that moment. I wanted to scream. The doctor scheduled a D&C that night. My downward spiral began.
I cried all the time. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I searched for God but at the time just couldn’t feel his presence even though I desperately wanted it. I do remember crying out to him one day and I felt him say exactly “I didn’t TAKE your babies, but I HAVE your babies”. I would, at times, hold onto that. Other times I drifted from Him because I didn’t know where He was. I felt so empty. My miscarriage affectd my life emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was depressed and Satan even had me believing that the reason I didn’t have my babies was because I wasn’t a good-enough mother to the children I already had. Oh the lies Satan would whisper to me. Satan also tried to convince me that because I couldn’t feel God’s presence, I must not be enough of a Christian.
The whole time I felt so lost, I searched for some resource to help me. Somewhere to turn. Everybody else had moved on and I felt left behind and alone. There was nothing available to me. THAT is why I wanted to begin a Glory Babies Group. I never want any woman (or couple) to feel as lonely and desperate as I did.
God reached down and rescued me. It was all Him. He showed me that just because I couldn’t always “feel” him, His word PROMISED me that he would never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) He healed me physically, emotionally and spiritually. It wasn’t anything I did. It was everything HE did. Thank You Lord!