I married my best friend in 1999. We had dated for three years, and almost immediately were ready to start a family.
I realized something wasn’t right just a few months after we started trying to get pregnant. Almost immediately after I stopped taking birth control, I stopped having my monthly cycle. I spent the first year taking pregnancy tests each week, convinced that they were just all defective. If I wasn’t having a period, then I must be pregnant. What else could it be? Finally, after the first year, I got my head on straight and decided to see a doctor. I went through several doctors the first year, looking for one to tell me what I wanted to hear or give me a quick fix. I got my diagnosis of PCOS fairly quickly, but in 2000 this was still a new term and there wasn’t a set opinion on treatments. I even had one doctor put me back on birth control to get pregnant! I would usually leave the doctor’s office in tears, convinced I hadn’t been heard and wasn’t being taken seriously. We were still fairly young and were often told that we had lots of time. But, time passes quickly and that can change in an instant.
By year two we were able to move back home to Longview and I found a doctor that didn’t dismiss me as being too young. After a few months of monitoring and treatment, he put me on my first round of Clomid. This was in February of 2002. It was a new year and I felt like I was finally doing something about getting pregnant. That first round of Clomid was rough. I spent two weeks terrified that I had lost my mind and I missed several days of work because I simply couldn’t stop crying long enough to do anything. But we thought it would all be worth it in the end. March 8, 2002, the day before my 24th birthday, I finally got a positive result on those dreaded pregnancy tests. Of course, I didn’t believe it so took three more; but they were all positive. We were so excited that the next night, at my birthday dinner, we made the announcement to our family and friends. We managed to tell everyone we knew that day. It was the best present I have ever gotten.
I was able to experience my pregnancy for one wonderful, amazing week. Exactly one week after that birthday dinner, I began having cramps that seemed to get worse as the day went on. I was at work and had taken a break to go to the restroom when I noticed the spotting. I immediately called my doctor’s office in a panic. He was away on spring break, so I was told to go to the ER. As I drove myself there, I called my mother to meet me and had a long talk with God. I was busy convincing myself that this was nothing and I was overreacting and didn’t even want to call my husband. I thought it would just be a funny story I could tell him over dinner that night. Eight hours later, I was released from the ER. The doctor on duty had run tests and done a sonogram, but since the cramps had let up and the bleeding had stopped, he decided I was trying to miscarry and sent me home. I hate that term, “trying to miscarry”, like it is a choice and we should just stop trying if we want to have our babies. I spent the night crying and worrying, convinced I had done something wrong to cause this. The next day the cramps started up again, but this time they were much worse. The pain was so bad I started sweating and vomiting. So, we were back at the ER where I was examined again. This time it was determined to be an ectopic pregnancy and they preformed an emergency laparoscopic surgery.
Some days it feels like this all happened yesterday, and others it seems like a lifetime ago. Since then I have gone through two more doctors and more testing. I even tried Clomid again, but there have been no more pregnancies. It is different somehow since the ectopic pregnancy. I officially feel infertile. We finally had to take some time off from trying so that we could focus on other things and decide just how far we want to go. I haven’t exactly come to terms with my position on the more invasive procedures. But, I haven’t given up hope completely. I have learned that God doesn’t operate on our schedules, so we may still have that baby one day. Right now I am giving Him time to work on us and take all the glory if and when it happens. I know that He has a plan for my life, and if it isn’t to be a mother, then I am a little excited to find out what else He has in store for us.
Glory Babies Group: Longview